CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP Part 2

CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP PART 2

“Two people will not walk together unless they agree.”    

Amos 3:3 (Easy to road)

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”   Amos 3:3 (NLT) 

What is Christian Courtship?

Christian Courtship is a period before wedding/marriage where a Christian brother and sister agree about so many issues and see if they both share the same vision, hope and aspiration about marriage. “Courtship is an adopted word to describe the Biblical model for the relationship between a man and a woman that leads to marriage.” 

From the Word of God that is quoted above, we can reliably gather that Christian courtship involves two people that have agreed to walk together, in the direction of marriage (not sleeping together before marriage).

 Marriage is spiritual and orderly. It must be treated with utmost respect; hence the Christian Courtship is very important for intending brother and sister that have agreed to marry.

It is during the Courtship that proper biblical foundation must be laid down in order to have a happy married life.

Despite the enormous responsibilities and challenges that come with marriage, yours can bear that totem “happy married life” that is the plan of God for you as His child. The Bible says, he has made us both Priest and kings (Rev.1:6) and if you permit queens. So for a Christian brother he is a king while the sister is a queen (please smile to that).

A king must have a queen to establish a royal family which God also intended for His children as established in 1Pet. 2:9. 

God wants your marriage future to be a kind of “Heaven on Earth.”

 Hence, before you venture into wedding plans both of you must agree on a lot of things like what you both want for your marriage. Both of you must realize that marriage means TILL DEATH DO US PART!

That word “agree” from Amos 3:3 is very deep. You need to ask yourself “Do we agree”.

“Are we walking towards a common goal?”

You don’t need to fast and pray before you answer those questions.

If your choice of marriage partner is worried about your involvement in church activities, then there is a problem. If he or she is not comfortable with your reading the Bible or speaking in tongue, then I don’t think you are headed in the same direction. If he or she is someone that find it difficult to give and pay tithe regularly, then you shouldn’t bother about him/her.

Agreement on what direction you want your marriage to go can only be attained on the platform of courtship.

The following are excerpts (as regard courtship) from the book written by one of my spiritual fathers; Bishop David Oyedepo titled “Bible sense for getting into marriage”.

1)    After proposing to a lady and she has agreed to marry you, the next thing to do is to obey the Biblical injunction to prove all things (1Thes 5:21)

2)    The courtship period is the time to prove your relationship. Yes your spirit agrees that you have made the right choice, but you still need to prove all things.

3)      Courtship is a fact-finding period. Marriage without courtship naturally ends in crisis because there was no opportunity to get to know each other and prove whether the choice made was wise or not.

4)     Impatience is responsible for many marriage failures in the western world today.

5)     Courtship can be broken. This should not be mistaken for divorce. If your ideas and ideals are not similar, common-sense demands that you call it quit.

(Author’s note; don’t make it a habit of breaking your courtship at the slightest excuse…).

6)    Courtship is a covenant culture for a successful marriage. One month is not sufficient. Two months is risky. Man is a complex being.

7)     The proving process is the personal responsibility of the individuals involved because they are the ones to live together. Do not allow your parents or family to prove your spouse for you.

Practical Guidelines for Christian Courtship

 1. What is Christian courtship?

Definition. A mutual commitment made between a man and a woman, only as a result of knowing God's will for each other, for the purpose of:

* Getting to know each other & their background better.

* Preparing themselves for marriage with the clear understanding that if the courtship does not know out, both persons are to be mature enough to part as friends, without resentment and with all due respect for each other's feelings

Courtship is a period set apart by spouses in order to try to win the affections of each other with a view to marriage. Therefore, in light of this, whatever you do in your process of courtship determines the success or failure of it.

2. Who is ready to enter into Christian courtship?

a. Mature (mentally and emotionally) single adults; not divorced before.

b. Who recognize their gift for marriage (I Cor 7:7) [or don't have the gift of celibacy. You may choose to be single.

c. Who are sure that they're God's will for each other as marriage partners.

d. Who are serious with their commitment only to each other, and no one else.

3. How should we conduct ourselves in Christian courtship?

A. DOs

1. Be free & teachable enough to seek for pastoral advice from godly married couple and the church leadership.

2. Freely interact with godly married couples and observe their Christian marriage lifestyle and family life. Ask questions to prepare yourselves.

3. Learn more about each other in communication, working life, ministry and family background.

4. Learn to understand and accept each other's personal differences.

5. Serve God together in preparation to serve God as a married couple; learn tocomplement each other as a ministry team and not to compete.

6. Equip yourselves with adequate understanding of Christian courtship & marriage through reading wholesome Christian literature and attending regional SCG classes.

7. Be willing to relate and fellowship with others in group setting; bearing in mind that you are to set a positive example as a Christian courting couple, for other singles as a model.

8. Exercise self-control in our passion towards each other; be determined to keep ourselves pure for marriage. ( Heb 13:4 )

B. DON'Ts

1. Do not be exclusive in relating only with each other all the time. (Heb 10:24-26, Eph 5:3, Gal 5:16, 19-21 )

2. Do not plan to isolate yourselves (during your date) in dark or solitary places where you can be easily tempted.

3. Do not give in to your passions and abuse your bodies for sexual sins; e.g. petting, pre-marital sex. (Gal 5:6, 19-21)

4. Do not deceive yourselves that "it's alright to fondle each other passionately (i.e. petting), if you love each other and are already committed to be married." I Cor 7:9. Pro 6:27-28

5. Do not watch movies of R-rated nature.

6. Dressing - low cut, mini skirts

7. Holidays - either in a group or just the two of you.

8. Visiting home - keep away from your rooms and especially when there is no one at home.

9. Do not plan to have a long courtship (more than 2-3 years) and be influenced by the worldly system in striving to "save-up" for a lavish wedding celebration and when furnished house, if you cannot afford it. (I Tim 6:6-10)
Note Well:
A. I Cor 6:19&20 (temple of God)
B. Rom 12:1 &2 (be an example)
C. Jer I7:7&10 (you will reap what you sow)

Are You Ready For Courtship?

Ask yourself:

• HAVE I KNOWN THIS PERSON FOR LONG ENOUGH AND IN A BROAD ENOUGH CONTEXT TO HAVE AN ACCURATE UNDERSTANDING OF HIS OR HER CHARACTER?
• DO WE HAVE THE SAME RELIGIOUS BELIEFS? ARE WE BOTH BAPTIZED? ARE WE BOTH CONVERTED (REMEMBER PAUL’S ADMONITION IN 2 CORINTHIANS 6:14)? ARE WE BOTH IN THE SAME CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP?
• DO WE COME FROM A SIMILAR RACIAL AND CULTURAL BACKGROUND? [NOTE: THE CHURCH HIGHLY DISCOURAGES INTERRACIAL DATING AND MARRIAGE AND ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO ASK: WHAT IS GOD’S WILL AND DESIRE?
• ARE WE BOTH RELATIVELY CLOSE IN AGE AND “STAGE IN LIFE”?
• DO WE HAVE A SIMILAR FAMILY BACKGROUND AND SIMILAR VIEWS AND EXPECTATIONS ON THE ROLE OF THE FAMILY?
• DO WE HAVE SIMILAR VIEWS ON HAVING CHILDREN AND CHILD REARING?
• ARE WE UNIFIED ON OUR VIEWS ABOUT THE ROLES OF A HUSBAND AND WIFE?
• DO WE HAVE SIMILAR VIEWS AND EXPECTATIONS REGARDING LARGE FINANCIAL ISSUES?
• DO WE HAVE SIMILAR VIEWS ON HOW TO SPEND LEISURE AND RECREATIONAL TIME?
• FOR A MAN: IS HE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY MATURE? IS HE SPIRITUALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO BECOME THE SPIRITUAL LEADER OF HIS FAMILY? DOES HE HAVE ADEQUATE TRAINING AND EDUCATION AND IS HE IN A POSITION TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT A WIFE AND FAMILY?
• FOR A WOMAN: IS SHE MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY MATURE ENOUGH TO SUBMIT TO HER HUSBAND? IS SHE EMOTIONALLY AND EDUCATIONALLY PREPARED TO LEAD A HOME AND FAMILY?

"Qualities of My Future Mate"

Note: These are example characteristics to seek in a future mate. Make your own list, and have parent(s) or an older friend who knows you well make one (or contribute to yours). You may be surprised at what they offer.

• DEEP CONVERSION (NOT JUST BAPTISM)
• FOR MEN, THE NECESSARY TRAINING AND EDUCATION TO LEAD AND SUPPORT A FAMILY 
• FOR WOMEN, THE NECESSARY SKILL, EDUCATION AND TRAINING TO MANAGE A HOME AND REAR CHILDREN 
• AMBITION TO CONTINUE TO GROW SPIRITUALLY 
• FRUITS OF GOD’S HOLY SPIRIT, AND A DESIRE TO “GROW” THESE FRUITS (GALATIANS 5:22–23) 
• THE HUMILITY AND DESIRE TO PUT SPOUSE AND FAMILY FIRST 
• FOR MEN, THE DESIRE TO AND ACTIONS TO SUPPORT A DEEP LOVE FOR HIS WIFE 
• FOR WOMEN, THE DESIRE TO RESPECT AND SUBMIT TO AND FOLLOW HER HUSBAND 
• A GOOD REPUTATION AMONG FAMILY MEMBERS, BRETHREN, THE MINISTRY, AND CO-WORKERS 
• EXCELLENT AND GODLY CHARACTER 
• PATIENCE AND HUMILITY 
• FOR MEN, THE ABILITY AND CHARACTER TO “TAKE THE LEAD” WHEN NECESSARY 
• FOR WOMEN, THE ABILITY TO HUMBLY FOLLOW AND ALLOW THE HUSBAND’S LEAD WHEN NECESSARY 
• THE ABILITY AND DESIRE TO WORK AS A “FAMILY TEAM” 
• STRONG SPIRITUAL HABITS (“REGULAR” PRAYER, STUDY, MEDITATION AND FASTING) 
• ORIENTED TOWARD SERVING OTHERS 
• FAITHFULNESS IN TITHING AND GIVING OFFERINGS 
• DEDICATED TO THE TRUTH AND GOD’S WORK 
• VALUES THE PRIORITIES OF: GOD, SPOUSE/FAMILY, JOB 
• HAS EMOTIONAL MATURITY 
• HAS A SIMILAR FAMILY BACKGROUND 
• VALUES FAMILY RELATIONSHIP 
• YOU FILL IN THE REST…

GUIDELINES FOR A SUCCESSFUL CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP
However, in order to have successful courtship, below are some very important tips arranged to assist you:

1. BE AVAILABLE: So many things puts demands people’s attention today. Yet in the midst of all the distractions courting partners must make some sacrifices to be available with each other. This will help them have a better understanding of each other emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.

2. BE OF SERVICE TO YOURSELVES: In order to have a successful courtship, courting partners must be ready to be of service to each other. They must be ready to know each other’s needs and make sacrifices to solving then. These services may includes caring for each other, spending good time together in prayers for each other, and doing whatever will bring joy or happiness to each other within the period of courtship and during marriage.

3. BREAK EVERY SOUL TIE: To have a successful courtship, you must be prepared to break up any relationship you have earlier established with any other party. This is because when you maintain two or more relationships at a time, you put demands on your emotion and spirit. This is the same as flirting or lasciviousness; such kind of relationship will be a cancer to the success of your courtship and future marriage. To do this, you must pray well and be ready to stand for one person. Someone once said, “Those who cannot stand for one thing will fall for almost everything" .

4. BE HONEST TO YOURSELVES: A relationship built on lies is a relationship built on a sandy soil. It will collapse. A “preacher”once woo her partner through lies in their period of courtship but, regretably, a year after their wedding, the marriage collapsed. So to have a successful courtship, courting partners must be honest to themselves at all costs in all their dealings with each other.

5. MAINTAIN SEXUAL PURITY: Sex is for marriage and not for courtship. To have sex before marriage destroys love and trust. It will even bring guilt to your spirit. Therefore, to avoid this, you must say no to sex during courtship and prayerfully stand by it waiting for your wedding day. When you do this, you’ll find that God will honour your marriage in heaven and make it bliss on earth.