“Two people will not walk together unless they agree.”
Amos 3:3 (Easy to road)
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:3 (NLT)
I. UNDERSTANDING SOME TERMS RELATED TO COURTSHIP
1. What is Courtship?
Courtship is a period before wedding/marriage where a Christian brother and sister agree about so many issues and see if they both share the same vision, hope and aspiration about marriage. “Courtship is an adopted word to describe the Biblical model for the relationship between a man and a woman that leads to marriage.”
Courtship commences when the man and the lady have both decided to get married and such decision has already been made known first to the church and then to both families. It is a period of making preparation for the wedding and getting to know more of each other. It is a time to harmonize goals, study each other, deepen the relationship and pray and seek for the further confirmation of the will of God for them.
2. What is Engagement?
The Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary defines engagement in marriage as an agreement to marry somebody or the period during which two people are engaged.
Engagement takes place during courtship. The people involved are fully convinced that it is God's will for them to get married. They express it by exchanging a token e.g ring or Bible. it might be formal or informal.
Informal engagement means getting few friends and words of exhortation is given before they present their tokens. Formal is much more elaborate with so many guests to witness the occasion. It is the last activity before the payment of bride price.
In Nigeria, Delta State in particular, for most people, engagement starts on the day of introduction when the two families meet and the family of the man visit that of the girl or bride-to-be with some drinks to inform the girl's family of their intention to marry their daughter. After the introduction they are now engaged and it can be further cemented with a token.
3. What is Dating?
According to Oxford Advanced Learners' Dictionary, a date is a meeting that you have arranged with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is a pre-arranged time spend with a person of the opposite sex.
Dating is advanced boyfriend and girlfriend relationships. Dating is the same thing as going out steadily with a person of the opposite sex.
Dating is a destructive method of making a marriage choice. Dating is a white man's tradition which has gradually filtered into the church. It is not a biblical doctrine.
Dating and courtship are different. Dating is a relationship between two persons hoping that they will get married in future while courtship on the other hand commences when they have both decided to get married.
You cannot enter into courtship without someone you do not intend to get married to, but you can date someone simply because you are attracted to the person.
II.WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT COURTSHIP
The word "courtship" cannot be found in the Bible but it was an accepted culture during Bible times.
Matthew 1:18.
There are 3 stages in a Jewish marriage:
1. The two families agree to the union of the man/woman.
2. A public announcement is made. At this point, the couple is said to be 'pledged' or engaged. There is usually no sexual relationship between them. This was the situation between Joseph and Mary.
3. The couple gets married and begin to live together. It is at this stage that sexual relationship can take place. Stages 1 & 2 can be said to be similar to the courtship period of nowadays.
Deuteronomy 20:7; Genesis 29:14-21.
The Bible standard is that to be pledged or engaged or to be in courtship should not be a license to indulge in sexual pleasure rather it should be a time to avoid sex completely.
III.ISSUES TO BE DISCUSSED DURING COURTSHIP
There are so many issues that are needed to be discussed during courtship. The list can go on and on.
* Favorite and most disliked foods. Proverbs 18:2
* Identification of one's likes and dislikes.
* The date of traditional marriage and wedding should be fixed.
* Discuss the nature of wedding you want. Whether a quiet, moderate or society type. You should discuss how the wedding would be funded. Colossians 3:2,17.
* Discuss and agree on where you want to live after the wedding.
* Church/Fellowship both of you would want to continue to worship after the wedding.
* Discuss on how you want to spend your honeymoon.
* Discuss your temperamental type (sanguine, choleric, melancholic or phlegmatic). Discuss ways to manage your weaknesses and hand over prayerfully to the Holy Spirit for transformation. Romans 7:21-25.
* Discuss your spiritual life with your spouse-to-be. The level you are now and the level you desire to get to. Do not pretend, remember that your spouse-to-be will later find out exactly who you are. 2 Corinthians 13:5
*Talk about your future plans. Your educational aspiration, ministerial aspiration, your vision and goals and then try to harmonize them. Amos 3:3
* Dress Code. Let him/her know how you want him/her to always dress.
Cleanliness in the home should be discussed. 1Timothy 2:9; Proverbs 7:10-11; Deuteronomy 22:5; 23:9-14.
* Talk about how you would want to relate and handle your in-laws, extended family members, friends, neighbours and co-workers. Ruth 1-4; Luke 10:27; Proverbs 25:17; 1Timothy 5:8; Matthew 10:36; 15:3-6.
* Discuss whether you want house-help or not. The consequence for each option should be discussed.
* You should agree on the number of children you want to have and whether you want to space them or not. Also talk about the level of education and training you want to give to them. 1Timothy 5:8.
* Discuss how you would want to handle the finance of the home.
* Discuss how conflicts would be resolved and possible ways you can express your likes and dislikes.
* Talk about the several things that can be done to make your marriage a happy one.
* Discuss your past relationship with your spouse-to-be. How was your sex life? Are you a virgin or not? Have you ever been raped? Answers to these questions should be discussed. However, if you know that you are both not mature to keep secrets then do not discuss such things. Prov. 25:9.
* The issue of family altar, personal quiet time, fasting together, night prayers etc. should be discussed.
IV. ACCEPTABLE ACTIVITIES THAT CAN TAKE PLACE DURING COURTSHIP
* Visit relations of your spouse-to-be together when going to visit key or important relations of your spouse-to-be. The man should not go empty handed. Go with a bottle of non-alcoholic wine.
* Go for formal introduction to the lady's family and formally introduce her to your family.
* Undergo all the programmes and seminar the marriage committee wants you to pass through.
* Carry out all the medical tests you are told to do.
* Discuss many things together.
* Pray together but not in a hide out or in the home of your spouse-to-be with all doors locked.
* Organize fasting programme together as well as individual basis.
* Seek for marriage counseling from a mature Christian, Marriage counselor, pastor, mentor etc.
* Study the word of God together. Such studies should be documented for further reference.
* Read good Christian books on marriage, home management etc and share what you read with each other.
* Find out about his/her personal background but be careful of hear-say. His/her relationship with parents, friends, neighbours, co-workers etc. Find out whether he/she is trustworthy, selfless, dependable, lazy etc.
* Is God the very first thing in his/her life? Does he/she have the fear of God?
* Find out about his/her family, hometown, and foundation. This can be done spiritually through prayers or the Holy Spirit can guide you to people who can give you the information you need.
* Go to conferences, Seminars, Programmes and workshops together. In all your outing, let God control and direct you.
* Make phone calls, send text messages and give gift but not too often.
* Visit him/her only when necessary. Nevertheless, be careful. You are not expected to cook and wash his clothes because you are not yet married. Remember that after the wedding, you will have countless meals to cook and clothes to wash.
It is not a time to kiss, romance or have sex. Ecclesiastes 3:1.
* If you are of different tribes, it is time to look for somebody of the same tribe with your spouse-to-be to teach you certain things about the culture of the people. The woman can learn how cook the local dishes of her spouse-to-be.
* It is not a time of watching or reading pornographic films and books.
V. DURATION OF COURTSHIP
The aims of courtship are that the couples may be able to study each other well enough as to be able to understand each other.
A short duration will not afford the intended couple enough time to study each other. On the other hand, a long duration of courtship may give room for sexual temptation.
Therefore, the duration of courtship should range between six months and one year.
VI. ACCEPTABLE PLACE OF MEETING FOR THE INTENDED COUPLE
As wedding approaches, the couple-to-be may need to meet more frequently as they may have many issues to discuss. There is always the tendency to want to be meeting at the house of either of them. This is dangerous because even if the intended couples are sure of themselves, they should not allow the devil to their their good testimony through appearance of evil.
The following are ideal places to meet during your period of courtship:
* The church
* The Pastor's house
* Marriage counselor's or mentor's house
* The house of a member of the marriage committee.
* A deacon/deaconess' house.
* The lady's family house but under the watchful eyes of her parents.
CONCLUSION
Courtship calls for honesty. A relationship built on lies is a relationship built on a sandy soil. It will collapse. A “preacher” once woo her partner through lies in their period of courtship but, regrettably, a year after their wedding, the marriage collapsed. So to have a successful courtship, courting partners must be honest to themselves at all costs in all their dealings with each other.
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