DIVORCE: CAUSES, EFFECTS AND REMEDIES
BIBLE PASSAGE: MATTHEW 19:3-9
3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
Note this:
The longest marriage of our time took place in America between Mr. Herbert and Mrs. Zelmyra Fisher. They were married for 86years and 290 days.
They were both born in 1905 and 1907 respectively. The marriage ended when the husband died in 2011. The wife also died in 2013. They both lived for 105 years.
The shortest marriage in the world happened in Kuwait. After the court marriage the bride tripped and fell as she was climbing the stairs and the husband said "stupid" she quickly went back to the court to dissolve the marriage.
The shortest marriage in Nigeria lasted for 7 days. It was an Islamic marriage between Ali and Aisha. The husband manhood was too big for the wife. The marriage was dissolved in Zamfara.
Note: Marriage is the union of two imperfect people. Problems are bound to arise, but patience, honestly and love will keep your marriage going.
INTRODUCTION
Divorce is ending a marriage between a husband and wife. It is the breakage of marriage vows, either by the decision of one or by the decision of both partners.
Divorce is the cessation of family relationship.
In America, it is estimated that in every 10 marriages, 7 will likely end up in divorce.
In our country today the rate at which people break their marital relationship is alarming.
Most Nigerian celebrities do not have lasting marriages.
Today we have contract marriage where people marry for a specific period of time.
Lots of issues are fighting against marriages today because we have deviated from God's original plan.
Anyone considering divorce must have experienced months or years of struggle with their spouse. They are familiar with emotional distance, insecurity, fear, depression, anger, and perhaps betrayal. Life has become so difficult that divorce seems like the only path toward peace and happiness. Our High Priest empathizes with believers in such state (Hebrews 4:15). However, God clearly explains His reasons for esteeming marriage so highly. He says it was He who “made them one” (Malachi 2:15). Marriage was God’s idea and any deviation from His design is detestable to Him. Marriage is not just a contract; it is a covenant. This is why God hates divorce and the consequences can be grievous.
1. GOD HATES DIVORCE
Marriage is a picture of the covenant God has with His people (1Cor.6:17) and He wants us to understand how serious it is. When a husband or wife chooses to violate the covenant of marriage, it mars and makes a mockery of the God-created concept of covenant relationship. (Rev.19:7-9; 2 Cor.11:2).
God never intended divorce to be a part of human experience and it grieves Him when we harden our hearts and break a covenant that He created (Matt.19:4-8).
Malachi 2:15 gives us another reason God hates divorce. He says He is “seeking godly offspring.” God’s design for the family was that one man and one woman commit themselves to each other for life and rear children that will understand the concept of covenant as well. Children reared in a healthy, two-parent home have a far greater likelihood of establishing successful marriages themselves.
SEVEN MAJOR CAUSES OF DIVORCE IN NIGERIA
Divorce in Nigeria is on the rise and is a major cause for concern. Divorce can occur for a variety of reasons, many of which are still being discovered.
Few Nigerians divorce in a courtroom. Either the wife is separated from the husband, leaves unexpectedly with the children, or one of the couples separates from the other. When one or both couples insist on continuing their separate lives, the home is no longer intact. These are the top 10 reasons for divorce in Nigeria.
1. The issue of infidelity
A relationship can end when one partner leaves it to satisfy their needs, whether they be physical or sexual. Infidelity is a significant contributor to divorce. It is one of the legal reasons for divorce in addition to the longer-than-a-year separation and abuse of your spouse (mental or physical). You only share everything with the person you are married to.
The majority of sad people may even die as a result of marital infidelity because it causes so many negative emotions like anger, betrayal, hurt, and pain that are sometimes difficult to forgive and forget.
2. The lack of communication
Marriages require excellent communication, and failing to do so quickly can result in dissatisfaction and anger on both sides, which negatively affects the marriage in all respects. However, effective communication is the backbone of a healthy marriage. When two individuals are living together, they must be able to communicate their wants, as well as comprehend and make an effort to meet those of their partner.
Couples who cease communicating with one another may also feel alone and isolated and stop showing affection to one another altogether. The relationship can end as a result of this.
3. Unforgiveness
This is yet another major cause of divorce. No sin is too great to be pardoned. When one partner has vowed in his or her heart never to pardon the other for an error made, an offence committed, or injustice committed, they are unable to continue living happily together. Unforgiveness generates grief and resentment, which develops wickedness and hatred. This is the explanation for why partners are murdered in their sleep by their spouses. Without forgiveness, nothing and no one can endure in any marriage.
4. Lack of love
Every relationship, including marriage, needs to have love. Forgiveness, communication, understanding, tolerance, patience, happiness, belief in one another, compromise, the oneness of heart, and trust are all characteristics of love. Without love, marriage is merely a contract and will lack the qualities of love listed above. Only love can motivate two people to be married.
There is love between couples in today’s world, but it can be love for what and not for who. It might be a love for an eight-figure financial account or a figure-eight body. They will undoubtedly look outside to fill the void left by the absence of what they love. Thinking of your spouse before yourself is a sign of true marital love. Always put your spouse first and be willing to support them no matter what.
5. Lack of mental preparation
Anyone who doesn’t plan is planning to fail. Without mental preparation, financial, spiritual, and bodily preparedness falls short. In a marriage, a lot of unexpected things might happen. Your mental readiness will alert you to be on the lookout for the unexpected and nothing will catch you off guard.
6. Lack of courtship
Young people frequently get married without taking the necessary time to get to know each other better; instead, they simply meet, become drawn to one another, and assume they are in love. The opportunity to court someone allows you to learn more about their personality, lifestyle, and worldview. You will learn about your HIV status, whether you are both fertile if you are compatible, and other things during the courtship. Before getting married, all of these things need to be taken into account because they are also major contributing factors to divorce.
7. The issues of infertility
Nigerians have a particular attitude about having children; after two years of marriage, couples frequently worry about starting a family. Infertility is sometimes attributed to women even when the man is to blame. This can be a major source of conflict in certain marriages.
When one partner becomes fed up with the situation and decides to have children outside of the marital home, it frequently results in divorce.
8. Other causes
I. Stealing and secret debts
ii. Constant denial of sex
iii. Dishonesty and telling of lies
iv. Habit of drunkenness
v. Violent disagreement and serious quarreling
vi. Laziness
vii. Polygamy
viii. Poverty
ix. Retaining friendship with former male/female friends.
x. Nagging and gossip. Etc.
CONSEQUENCES OF DIVORCE
There is a direct correlation between the way a man treats his wife and the effectiveness of his prayers. God does not listen to the pleas for blessing from those who have broken the covenant of marriage (I Pet 3:7).
Divorce is associated with many negative outcomes. Here are some;
Divorce is a death of a union, and therefore the death of a dream, a promise and a family unit. Everyone involved -even a perpetrator- will feel grief and loss during a divorce. If there are children involved, they will experience severe grief over the loss of being with both parents together and living under the same roof.
Divorce marks a pivotal moment in a person’s life, especially for children; life as they know it changes forever and they become different versions of themselves, adapting to new routines and new versions of their parents (who have also changed).
Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience poverty, educational failure, early and risky sexual activities, non-marital childbirth, early marriage, cohabitation, marital discord and divorce.
Following a divorce, parents and children often experience emotional and psychological problems, that can last for years, even for the rest of their lives. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, distrust, insecurity, lack of intimacy, confusion over sexuality and/or gender, guilt, faithlessness, loneliness, bitterness, and rebellion manifest themselves in children who have lived through divorce of their parents.
Divorce matters can lead to a poor sense of judgment especially on marital issues, increase in crime, drug/alcohol addiction and even suicide attempt.
The productivity of divorcees/divorced men may reduce at work and in their service to God.
There is a chance of another divorce. Research shows that about 60% of divorcees/divorced men who remarry will divorce again. Realistically, most people carry the unresolved issues from their last failed marriage into the next marriage.
SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ON DIVORCE
i. Is there any scriptural ground for divorce?
ii. Answer:- There is one and only one reason and that is fornication. Matthew 19:9
iii. What does the word ‘fornication ’mean in this passage?
iv. Answer: The basic meaning is illicit sexual relationship with third party
v. The innocent ‘partner’ should be ready to forgive the ‘guilty partner’ Matthew 6:14-15, Prov 28:13
vi. Divorce was not in the original plan of God for human beings.
vii. How long is a marriage contract?
viii. Answers:
a. Until death breaks it. Matthew
b. In Marriage, God performs a miracle when two individuals become one person
c. Only God is permitted to break that union by taking one of the partners in death
xi. Can the innocent partner’ in a divorce re-marry?
Answers:
i. It is doubtful if there is such a thing as an innocent partner in the sight of God.
ii. It is most likely that the innocent’partner had failed in some ways.
xii. Why should people avoid divorce like a plaque?
Divorce represents a tragedy that has undermined the home, the very basis of society. Misery always follows in its path, broken homes, bruised and broken hearts, bewildered, homeless children, delinquent youth, loneliness, tears and at times sucide or insanity. The couple should consider the walfare of the children who would suffer most and the shame connected with divorce and the scandal that it engenders. Many Christians look at divorce as sinful, regardless of the circumstances because it is a public admission of utter failure which belittles the power of Christ. Phil 4:13 Economic disaster often follows divorce and it is the cause of lack of love and happiness in marriage.
COUNSEL FOR PARTNERS IN A SHAKY MARRIAGE
Question i:- What biblical counsels are available for partners in a shaky marriage?
Answers:
i. The husband and wife should renew their solemn vow of, for better for worse till death do them part.
ii. Both should get it right with the Lord first- by returning to the Lord in prayer
iii. Both should get it right with each other
iv. Both or offending partner should confess sin and genuinely repent
v. Mutual sharing and understanding would help marriage work
vi. Spending quality time in prayer both as individual and couple would work wonders. James 5:16
vii. Husbands should assume the status of responsibility and provide for the family. 1Tim 5:8
viii. Wives should be subject to their husbands. Eph 5:24
ix. Husbands and wives should continue to be attracted to each other in genuine love.
x. Genuine love should be allowed to radiate all through the spheres of the marriage.
xi. Determination in godliness to allow the marriage to work despite odd is a good pill for a recovery.
CONCLUSION
Marriage is indissoluble according to Scriptures.
Cleave, not to leave (spouse) and leave not to cleave (with parents and family).
Higher than the power of man to put asunder.
Paul gave the commandment of marriage in 1Cor. 7:10-11. let not the wife depart and let not the husband put away his wife.
Genuine love in marriage covers multitude of sins and prevents eventual break up.
If God hates divorce, believers should do everything possible, including consulting with the Author of marriage – God, to make the marriage work.
CLOSING PRAYER
i. Father, let divorce be a thing of the past in our society.
ii. Father, please come and heal broken hearts and marriages
